Headspace

Met up with Val, Esther, and Joyce today for our weekly DG meeting. And today was our second last one! :')

These two-ish (almost three) years with them have been pretty alright. Joyce and Esther have been the best DG mates I could ever ask for. I mean, they're always so warm and welcoming and super nice and it's really helped me to open up to them. I wish I got to know Hannah better as well, but I guess she's just as shy as I am. :/

Ah well! I'm especially thankful to have known Val! This lover of all things Japan and matcha-flavoured has seen us through our years in poly, and guided us with so much patience and quiet confidence, and idk she's just a really cool person in general.

I'm gonna miss having DG with them. :'(

Anyway, even during DG, the topic of assignments cannot be avoided! Esther and Joyce are in the same course as me, so our conversations always just sort of drift towards our assignments because it's the one thing that's always on the back of our minds. And with graduation coming so soon, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to concentrate on my work. Which is frustrating because it's the last lap and, instead of becoming hyper-focused on getting my work done well once and for all, I'm caught up with thoughts on finding a job and what I want to do during the few months I have before university and university.

I also keep waiting for little bursts of motivation to do work even though I know that it's never sustainable. Like, I have become so accustomed to procrastinating until the last minute that I am no longer fazed when I realise that I only have one day to complete an assignment that could (and probably should) have been completed a week ago.

I really do need some discipline in my life sigh.

Alright, enough talk.

I gotta go act like I'm responsible for my own education.

Esther, me, Hannah, and Joyce! We are not short ok. Joyce is just tall. u_u

FINALLY, a day where I don't have to leave home after weeks of meeting people and running errands outside. I also get to spend all day in pjs - which is always nice. :')

I had intended to be productive today, but I woke up at 9am (which is pretty late considering I wake up around 7am on most days) and just took my time to have breakfast and clean my room a little bit. Then, it was suddenly 12pm so I had lunch and did a bit of laundry. Now, it's almost 2pm and I still haven't started on my assignment for Action Research but I'm blogging. Ha ha. Priorities.

Honestly though, I'm really thankful for this downtime. I was so close to burning out. Like, I was starting to fall sick and was feeling progressively crappier all week. But I feel fine now! ^^ Guess I just needed some time to just chill. I'm a little more refreshed, and ready to get down to business again! *cracks knuckles*

I actually have no idea how to start this paper but, y'know what, I'm just gonna try. I can't let myself procrastinate just because I'm scared of making mistakes anymore. Gotta keep reminding myself that mistakes are a part of learning! It's prove that I'm trying. :) (Wow, so cliche. Please let no one I know irl stumble upon this lmao.)

Ok, time to get my shit together!

Ciao.

"Between who you are and who you could be.

Between how it is and how it should be."

Aight, with so many changes that have happened/ are about to happen in my life, I was curious about how that was affecting my personality.

Between 2014 and 2015, I have been doing personality tests as a way of procrastinating every few months, and I have always been a consistent INFP with a:

strong preference for Introversion over Extraversion;
slight preference for Intuition over Sensing;
moderate preference for Feeling over Thinking; and
slight preference for Perceiving over Judging.

I have always strongly identified as an introvert while longing to be a ambivert, because, well, I'm also unfortunately pretty darn shy and it sucks. But, hey! Guess who's an ambivert now?! ME. :'D Well, according to this anyway. I'm actually pretty chuffed about it heh heh :P Finally, some proof that I'm starting to become the kind of person I want to be!

Reflecting on my three years in poly, I regret having been too shy to participate in camps and other activities. I could've have done so much in my time here, but ah well! Instead of moping about could have beens, I'm going to set my mind on doing so much more now. I can't let myself settle for mediocrity in the things I do anymore. Because, I only live once and I'm going to try my best to make it count. Same Kate, different mindset.

I'm nervous and excited and scared because I'm going to just thrust myself into this whole new world of legit giving my best and learn to deal with failure along the way, but heck, I wanna be able to tell my kids and grandkids cool stories in the future.

Another same-same-but-different-esque thing I've been going through is how I feel about Jeremy. I mean, there hasn't been a day that I don't think about him even a little bit but I'm just not sad anymore. I still love him and catch myself missing him pretty often, but I'm just super chill about it now. I guess it's because this time I'm really no longer in love with him (for real).

It's a really bittersweet feeling, falling out of love with someone after longing for them for almost a quarter of your life.

Like, what do I do with all of this free space in my heart and mind now?? I don't know what to fill this... void with, but I feel like I need to fill it with something. Otherwise, it's like I haven't completely gotten over him since there's still such a huge possibility of me falling in love with him again.

It's like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. It's safe for now but, if I don't walk away from it soon, who knows when the next gust of wind may come and just sweep me off my feet? I don't know if that made much sense to you, but I hope it did.

Anyhow, whatever comes, I believe that these changes will only be for the best.

After all, God has always proved himself to be so incredibly faithful in my life, even through all my doubts. :)

"Won't fall, won't fall, won't fall as long as you're around me."

I'm just gonna start off with this - I'm actually quite happy with how my 2016 is starting out.

First of all, I haven't been late for school for the whole of January (so far) and there's actually a kind of satisfaction I'm getting from it. The inner Asian is finally making an appearance. Wow.

Secondly, I'm finally getting some kind of money outside of my monthly allowance?! I mean, the amount that I'll receive from tutoring is really little since I'm just tutoring one child at the moment, but it's something and I earned it. It feels so good to know that you've earned something. Hopefully, I soon won't have to ask my parents for money anymore. I've honestly always hated doing that.

Lastly, I'm learning not to care so much about people who are (very obviously) not going to stay in my life. I'm thankful for the opportunity to have gone through being bitched about by people I'd considered my friends and then learn that I am still able to genuinely want to be nice to instigators of said situation. I'm not sure what's this thing with poly and temporary friends but it's taught me to let go of people so fast it's scary. Like, I am now capable of going from "hey you're my friend and a good person and I like you" to "fuck this shit I'm out" in about 5 seconds. It's a little harsh, I'll admit, but it's saved me from so much heartache and tears from crying myself to sleep. Also, I don't have to spend my time worrying about what they think of me and focus on things that actually matter instead.

So, yeah, that's how 2016 is starting out for me.

Being more responsible, learning to adult(???), and learning to let go. :)

Well, then there's the graduation in May and the "what are you gonna do with your life now" conversations will intensify. I already know what I want to study so, choosing what to do won't be the difficult part. It's paying for it that'll be kinda tough.

My dad may or may not be paying for my university fees but, whatever he chooses, I will get my degree in Psychology even if I have to take a bank loan for it. If that happens, I'll even be able to say "I paid for my university education", which honestly sounds like a pretty good achievement!

There's so much that'll happen before I graduate, and so much that'll happen after, and I am a little scared but everything has always turned out alright. So, I'm just gonna not stress so much about something as unpredictable as my future and trust that wherever God places me, it's gonna be good. :)

"Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place."

Headspace

(E, H, K, J).

Caving.

Same same but different.

Change.

Hello.

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