Headspace

What a shitty day, honestly.

You know it's bad when you don't even wanna blog about it or think about it or have anything to do with it.

I'm gonna go to bed early because I really just can't wait for this day to end.

So done crying.

I'm done being upset with people that don't matter anymore. They no longer deserve my time of day and there are more important things to focus on. I believe in giving second chances but since they didn't treasure theirs, I guess it's goodbye forever.

I don't blame them for what they did because I'm sure they had their reasons for acting like pieces of shit, but that doesn't mean I like it or have to allow them to keep hurting me. Sigh.

Whatever, I just hope they grow up someday.



Anyway, CNY has been okay. It felt like everything just went by in a blur. But that might be because I was pretty drugged up on medication the entire time hur.

I've been wondering, why the heck do I dress to impress every CNY? And why do I feel the need to take pictures of what I wore for everyone on Instagram to see? Do I really care about what they think of my fashion choices? Would it be rude if I didn't dress up? I say that it's fun and that I like dressing up, but do I really? What if I just do it because I want compliments? Or, if not that, I do it because I'm scared of being judged or labelled the "ugly sister" in my family? Why does what I look on the outside even matter??? I mean, it's not like people remember what I wear, right? I just assume that people are usually too busy worrying about how others think about them to care about other people all that much. So, why do I care????? It's not like anyone's thinking of me??????????

Meh whatever I'm just going to go to school tomorrow in a big sweater, shorts, and a bun and be all comfy and not dressed up and enjoy fading into the background once more. Two days of having people I don't remember giving me compliments is enough. I mean, it feels like they're just complimenting the mask that I put up and not me so nothing really came through lol. NO MORE. Tell me I look tired. And sick. And that my hair is a mess. Idc. Because I actually feel like all those things.

I knew there was something behind their facade of friendship.

Creating a different whatsapp group that didn't include us, bitching about us behind our backs, and now you both decided it'll be okay to have a CNY gathering without us? I mean, c'mon stop being cowards and be upfront with us. What's bothering you?

Also, how do you both do these things while acting like you're our friends? You, grabbing onto my arm and whining "Kateeeeeee" and generally being a touchy "friend" in general towards me while bitching to everyone else about what I don't even know. No wonder I'd always felt some level of disgust everytime you touched me or said my name. And you, telling me about how sad you are about your break up and bitching to me about literally any and everyone you know and how they have done things to upset you? Like, what do you want me to do? Throw you a pity party after all the underhanded shit I know, and you know, you've done? You are both fucking repulsive. I can't believe I still wanted to be your friends even after the time you both pulled a major bitch move on Holly and I.

Literally the only thing holding me back from confronting them about this is the fact that Holly still has netball with one of them.

And the rest who just listen to them bitching but don't stand up for us because they don't want any drama? And in turn slowly get their perceptions of us poisoned by the motherfuckers? Yeah, I don't want anything to do with them either. Their silence has only perpetuated the situation and let the both of them think that whatever they are doing is okay when it is anything but.

Fucking hell I hate people who feel the need to start unnecessary drama just because their personal lives are dry as fuck. I don't need toxic people like these in my life. It was an absolute displeasure to have known them.

Time to take out the fucking trash in my life.

Sigh, down with some kind of flu bug. Woke up yesterday with a sore throat and a fever started creeping up on me as the day progressed. And then my nose just started leaking. And I feel like shit. Probably shouldn't have gone at the CNY goodies so intensely lol.

Anyway, had a little chat with my lecturer yesterday about how I'm thinking of going to JCU after graduation. She was.. pretty against it. Maybe JCU isn't that established after all. Maybe 2 years really is too short for a Psychology degree. What would I know? :(

So I'm now seriously considering if I should just take a year off school and work in some social service sector to gain some working experience first before making such a big decision. Ok, it's not that big of a deal if you think of how I could always just switch to another field if I wanted to. I mean, I'm still considerably young and I have time on my side. It's just how much that would cost though. Maybe I could even work for a few years, achieve some kind of recognition, and establish some connections with people within the field before I take the degree.

Sigh. It's so tempting to just start blaming myself for not trying hard enough in school but that's not going to make anything better. From past experiences, doing so will only make me even more unproductive because I'm too busy moping around to do anything useful. Instead, I'm going to focus on what I can do now because I am not going to let myself develop tunnel vision and be like "omg my life has no direction anymore I will never be able to achieve my dreams and I ruined it singlehandedly before my 20th birthday how wonderful" because it's not true. I can still make do with what I've got: time, a sound mind, and a (relatively) healthy body.

Not to mention, God has always always made beautiful things come out of the worst situations. So, I have faith that everything will turn out just as God has intended in the end. I just need to be patient and trust Him. Because when I said that I believe in Him and that I would surrender my life to Him, I meant it. Because He said that He'll never leave nor forsake me, and He has always been true to His word - even when I was doubtful or when I blamed Him for all the bad things that have happened. I don't know a lot of things, but this much I do. :)

A lot happened while this blog remained un-updated for a day.

Yesterday, I finally finally finally met up with the clique! It's so difficult for all 8 of us to meet because our schedules clash or exams/ submission deadlines are nearing for some of us. So, yeah, it's pretty dang amazing that we finally got to meet at Van's band concert!

Wanted to wake up at 5am to finish as much as I could for the research assignment but I just slept through the three alarms like a log sigh. I ended up waking up at 7am and just tried my best with what little time I had before I had to leave home. Note to anyone doing research for the first time: Do NOT attempt to kill yourself by conducting both qualitative AND quantitative research. Just put it in your limitations that you "should have conducted the research with both data collection methods so as to ensure that the findings are accurate" - or something like that. Don't let your first time traumatise you. 

Met up with everyone (except for Van because she's preparing for the performance) at 6pm and then we had dinner together. And Tan Tan told us the most exciting news omg!!!!!!!!!! SW finally asked her out officially after 1.5 years of them liking each other. My friends are growing up so fast it's almost unreal. I'm so ridiculously happy for her ahhhhhhh~ :'D

I enjoyed the performance but I was a little bit distracted by the couple in front of me. I swear, every time I go for a performance in a concert hall, I end up sitting right behind a couple. Not just like the usual cute hand-holding, head-on-shoulder kind of couples. Those just sit there and actually seem to be focused on what's happening in front of them. No, when I sit behind couples, they are always the MEGA cute play-fighting, sneaky-kissing couples. Always. I'm not uncomfortable with PDA, but I kind of paid money for the performance on stage but I'm getting distracted by another kind of show??? I wish they'd just gotten a seat at the back. I mean, I think it's really cute and all, but it's not like you're really there for the performance you paid for.

Van said she messed up at one point, but I didn't notice. Probably because I was distracted by the couple.

Ah well!

When the concert ended, we went outside to wait for Van so we could take a picture together. QM ended up taking a lot of pictures of Grace and I while waiting because we were acting like weirdos. Ok, fine, it's just me. I was the weirdo. She just happened to be the nearest target on my weird radar.

So, you know how I've been going around saying that I want to have nothing to do with Early Childhood education? Yeah, well, I might just have to eat my words.

I've been giving Lydia tuition for English and Math and I just realised how much I enjoy it? Without the pressure of completing set worksheets and a strict curriculum, it's actually really incredible to be a part of helping a kid learn. The littlest things make my heart so happy. Like, when she can finally write the small letter "a", when she gets excited about what she's accomplished during our time together, and when she is willing to write "chocolate, vanilla, apple(???), and strawberry ice-cream" for the book she wrote to introduce her family - even though she's often hesitant to write just about anything because she's scared of making mistakes.

Maybe giving private tuition to Kindergarteners could be a thing I do in the foreseeable future. Or maybe I'm just enjoying this so much because her dad just lets me do my thing and trusts that I can help her improve instead of breathing down my neck going "what are you doing? How can this help? Are you sure it will work?" And, as a result, I feel like I can help Lydia learn to enjoy the process of learning - which, in my opinion, is so much more important than getting almost instantaneous results. Learning is a lifelong thing, why ruin it for her when she's only five?



Anyway, after tutoring in the morning, I went home to work on the research assignment. I have lost count of how many times "I HATE YOU" has popped up in my mind within these three hours. It's not that I don't want to find out what all these data I've collected will prove in the research, but it's just. So. Much. Data.

I'm actually using two laptops as I work on this assignment???

So, yeah, I'm having a difficult time trying to put together all these information and an even worse time trying to understand it. Which is making me seriously doubt whether I still want to study Psychology because statistics and research skills are so vital when studying Psychology.



A huge part of me is like "yeah, why not just study it? You may not be good at all of this now, but that's what school is for! You'll have lecturers and other students who can help you. Plus, why would you want to give up this dream of studying Psychology you've had for almost five years when you have the opportunity to do it now?!"

However, I am also aware that I have quite a lot to lose if I don't do well enough. Like, $76K a lot. Also, what if I try my absolute hardest but I'm actually just not intelligent enough to fully grasp the concepts? Like, what if I thought I got it but, in reality, there's actually a lot that I couldn't comprehend? I mean, being able to understand and enjoy articles on PsychologyToday is probably not exactly the same as understanding Psychology on an academic basis. And by not exactly, I mean not at all.

I might be overthinking all of this. Or I may not. Who knows? What if my version of overthinking is someone else's version of normal- or under-thinking? What even is normal thinking? I have never met a single person who is not even a little bit weird. Maybe weird is the normal.